Attention Hollywood money ATM’s: stop giving filmmakers and producers the funds to create steaming piles of shit like Assassin’s Creed. For fuck’s sake, please stop.

Don’t see this movie. Don’t think about it. In fact, you can click out of this review right now because the plot I will make little effort in describing will make your head hurt.

Callum Lynch(Michael Fassbender, on acid when signing on to this movie) is a descendent of an ancient warrior from a Creed of Assassins. In order to channel the deceased, he is plugged into a machine and like an interactive video game user, can relive the actions from centuries ago. He has to get something sacred and so on. Who cares? It’s all rubbish anyway.

The film has a few hands attached to its screenplay and a director with greater ambitions(Justin Kurzel directed Fassbender in a Macbeth remake in 2015). The cast, including Marion Cotillard and Brendan Gleeson, is largely wasted and looks lost or floating on their bed of cash given to them for the usage of their names in the promos and posters.

It’s one long overlong mess that should properly hammer a long fucking nail into the coffin of future video game adaptations. There’s no need. Doom, two Hitman films, Max Payne, or any other atrocious idea. This needs to stop.

The 130 million dollar budget spent on Assassin’s Creed could have gone to 8-10 independent films like Manchester by the Sea or the yet to be untitled “Not Another Video Adaptation”.

When I got up and left the theater, my mind asked me a question. “Why the hell did we just see that piece of crap?” My only reasonable response was, “so a lot of people I know hopefully won’t.”

I strapped on the cinematic critic bulletproof vest with this movie for you. I took one for the team. I don’t like doing it, but I do it for the people.

Don’t see Assassin’s Creed. Don’t even think about it.